12 Feet Down

Assalamu Alaykum my flower, I am sorry for bothering you, for disturbing you, for much more. Today is marks a milestone. I have accomplished something that I never thought I could have done. Tonight's salat al Isha'a will mark my 144th consecutive prayer, and my 144th consecutive dua for you. Originally, I had planned to make a video of each salat and each dua and overlay it with audio of 144 things I love about you. While I think it would be romantic, the closer I've gotten to this date I've become concerned that it is too ostentatious. I read in the Holy Quran 4:142 about hypocrites showing off in prayer, and only remembering Allah SWT a little. I do not want to seem disingenuous, which I think it may come across as I seem to be referencing Islam so much now. I still have the timelapse, because I think it is nice and it has certainly helped keep me on track, but I'm too sensitive now about showing off. Not to mention several of the 144 reasons I love you were too ...

B-------r, my flower  Safe + secure in the Emerald Tower.  A bittersweet smile: you're free from the shower,  Dry of my reigns that had become sour.  The Earth I could scour,  yet not find a love one-tenth of your power.  Though now I am dour,  to me you may glower,  I'll pray for your love 'til my 24th hour. 

Assalamu Alaykum my darling, I write you this time after having labored over my actions in my life and our marriage. While I never had relations with anyone during our time together (physical, online, flirting, etc.), I have begun to consider actions that I previously justified (masturbating or looking at porn, thirst traps) as a type of cheating. I'm sorry for cheating , more sorry than you could possibly believe, and I would never fault your incredulity here. I do not think the frequency really matters, but I want you to know it was never obsessive. I didn't do it every day, or every other day, or even every week.  But I did it. And what's worse, I did it continually without repentance. I made excuses for it in my head, sometimes to you. I thought it would keep me passionate because I thought I would need to maintain a baseline level of arousal or I would not function in our bedroom. I could blame society for its excessive normalization and promulgation of pornography tow...

وَلَا تَهِنُوا۟ وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا۟ وَأَنتُمُ ٱلْأَعْلَوْنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ ١٣٩  Dear bb, In so many of my letters I apologize, but I too often extend out my rationality to the point where my "apologies" may come across as justifications. On the other hand, maybe my optimism and hope for the future detract from my apologies. I don't want to do that here. I don't want to rationalize, explain my reasoning, or fantasize about the future. I just want to apologize. I'm sorry. For everything.  I'm sorry for making you feel unwanted and unloved. I'm sorry for those days where I'd come home from school and disassociate on the couch for hours while staring at my phone. I'm sorry that I was so dispassionate toward you it made you think I was cheating. I'm sorry for not being able to communicate when under stress. I'm sorry for being so defensive when arguing. I'm sorry for being nitpicky in arguments, ie. "we haven't had sex in 2 w...

Dear bb, On this cold night I dream again of you. Laying under these blankets I imagine the shape of you: your beautiful body, full hips, soft skin pressed against mine. I remember your warmth, your love. I imagine the sweet scent of your hair underneath my nose, the adorable way you shiver. I hold you tight and you push yourself against me. My precious darling, your loving embrace. You keep me warm, I keep you warm-- the way it should be. Inshallah the way it will be. For now, I will hold on to the heat of our memories. Let it warm me, you. Forever grateful to have been yours, forever regretful to have lost you. I am sorry bb that we must spend our cold nights alone. Sorry. With love and care, Yours.

 Assalamu Alaykum  Dear bb, Not much to say here... just want to check in with you. I love you so much, thinking about you constantly and wondering if you're ok. Whatever it is you're doing, whoever it is you're with, wherever you are, I just want you to be happy and ok. You mean the world to me and the gravity of my mistakes and my failures overwhelms me. I am sorry to you, everyday everyday everyday. I wish I didn't fail you like I did. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I hope you're getting better. I am trying to be better everyday, for us, you and me. You are my inspiration, my goal, my darling. Please take care, please smile and laugh. Please excuse me for telling you what to do. With Love Eternally, Yours Assalamu Alaykum

I used to have you, which felt like everything. Now, I have nothing but faith, love, and medication. I thank Allah and you everyday for allowing me to see a better path forward. Against all odds, I cannot help but feel hopeful and optimistic. It may be already lost, your love for me, but I cannot accept this. I feel something swelling inside me when I think of us. I think of how beautiful our story was, and how much beauty there is left to write.  With how much there is to love about you, how could I possibly stop? How could I possibly give up?  You once told me of a vision or a dream you had where you imagined Jannah: an unequivocable paradise of pink flowers in the topography of Ha Long Bay. I remember you crying as you described it, as you told me of what you saw, of what could be our future. It is a scene more inspiring to me now than any other, one I will never forget, and one that I believe is possible. You may hate me, and I think that's fair considering the amount of s...

In our last days, if I could do it over: I wouldn’t hate you. I wouldn’t ignore you. I wouldn’t hurt you. I wouldn’t throw away anything.  I wouldn’t be angry. I wouldn’t think it’s your fault. I wouldn’t be stupid. I wouldn’t think I need to move on. I wouldn’t think it’s hopeless. I wouldn’t absorb myself in narcissism. I wouldn’t think only about myself I would’ve thought about you. I would’ve talked to you. I would’ve accepted my responsibility. I would’ve immediately signed up for therapy. I would’ve cried harder. I would’ve fought like hell. I would’ve consoled you. I would’ve let you console me. I would’ve hugged you. I would’ve told you I love you. I would’ve apologized. I would’ve thanked you. I would’ve told you I can be better. I would’ve believed it, too. I would’ve told you there’s nothing wrong with you. I would’ve told you what’s wrong with me. I would’ve apologized again. And again. And again. I will apologize now: I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for being your...

I'm sorry for everything you feel, every pain and every hurt I caused. If there is anything I could do to take it back, to change it, to heal you, I would. If there are any words I can say to earn your forgiveness, I would speak them. If there were any action to earn your favor, I would perform that. If there is any chance to be at your side again, I will hold on to it. The pain you feel is undeserved. The most pure, beautiful woman Allah has created deserves a paradise everywhere. It is an egregious sin I have committed to have dragged you down to my level, to have torn down your happiness, to have robbed you of your love. I am eternally sorry for my actions, for my inactions . I pray for Allah's forgiveness, as I do yours. I do not know if I deserve either.  Today is actually an important milestone for me. Today (October 4th) marks the 12th day in a row in which I have completed every single prayer. Though it may be self-righteous, my first Dua after every prayer are for forg...

CW: physical abuse, trauma, molestation "Being oppressed does not make you a good person."  Nothing I will describe here is a reason why you should love me again or forgive me. These are merely things I wish I could share with you, things that I wish I could have talked to you about. You were always so reassuring towards me, so caring, so kind, so loving, so everything good. Now I can only close my eyes and imagine the warmth of your caring embrace. Above all, I just wish you could've known this about me.  It doesn't excuse any of my actions , of course, but for me it explains why I have always felt so helpless and weak. It explains why, even when I knew you loved me, I felt like I was never good enough. I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you, for all the issues I didn't work on and didn't know how to work on. I am praying for your health, for your happiness, for your security, for your prosperity, for you to feel loved, liked, and appreciated.  ~Beg...

Message Text Call See Hear Meet Talk Laugh Show Tell Hold hands Hug Kiss Cuddle Fuck Sleep Eat Cook Give Take Share Wear Watch Listen Learn Teach Travel Smile Love Verb after verb after verb, it was. Memory in Silence, it is. And so:                                     , it will be.