Atonement/144 Dua

Assalamu Alaykum my flower,

I am sorry for bothering you, for disturbing you, for much more.

Today is marks a milestone. I have accomplished something that I never thought I could have done. Tonight's salat al Isha'a will mark my 144th consecutive prayer, and my 144th consecutive dua for you. Originally, I had planned to make a video of each salat and each dua and overlay it with audio of 144 things I love about you. While I think it would be romantic, the closer I've gotten to this date I've become concerned that it is too ostentatious. I read in the Holy Quran 4:142 about hypocrites showing off in prayer, and only remembering Allah SWT a little. I do not want to seem disingenuous, which I think it may come across as I seem to be referencing Islam so much now. I still have the timelapse, because I think it is nice and it has certainly helped keep me on track, but I'm too sensitive now about showing off. Not to mention several of the 144 reasons I love you were too risqué to put over a salat.

In a similar way, I've been thinking hard about "atonement:" what it means and how to discern good/bad intentions behind it. Keeping that in mind, in order to truly be sorry for my actions, the intent must not be to draw you back into my life. Rather, true, sincere atonement means the recognition that what I have done to you was pretty horrible-- lying and cheating, being unable to put in effort, etc. (see my apology post for more)-- and that in no way am I owed your forgiveness or your love. Especially after all the pain I have caused. If the intention is to just make you forgive me so you're drawn back to me, than I am not atoning for anyone but myself. And that has not been my intention at all, at least since seeking help and working on myself. I truly want what's best for you, and if that means a life without me, then inshaAllah you will have that, as painful a prospect it may be.

Although I am still distressed about losing you, I am more distressed that I caused you so much pain and hurt. In fact, I cry often over it, and indeed while writing this. I still believe you are the closest thing to Jannah on this Earth, and I am certain there is no other being I would rather spend this life and the next with more than you. But I am not owed your trust or your faith or your love. Only Allah SWT is, and so I will keep praying and asking Him to show you the truth of my sincerity if I am worthy. I will try best not to contact or text you until February, as that was what you originally told me. The only thing I can do right now is continue praying; making dua for you to receive happiness joy, peace, calm, stability, security, safety, good fortune, good health, prosperity, and wealth; making dua for you to forgive me if I am worthy; and making dua for Allah SWT to reunite us together, to restore our mutual love, and allow us to be re-married if it is in His will; and save money for you. The most important thing is that you receive the full bounty of the blessings of Allah SWT.  

I don't think I've ever thanked you for bringing me into the light of Islam. Please let me do that now: thank you so much for showing me a better life and bringing this into my life. I've felt so happy and confident as I become closer to being a better Muslim and I'm so grateful for you showing me how. The most inspiring message in the Holy Quran for me as I navigate these turbulent waters has been Ayah 132 in Surah Ali-Imran: Do not lose heart or despair- if you are true believers you have the upper hand.




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