Sorry. Just, sorry (Twelve x Six apologies)

وَلَا تَهِنُوا۟ وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا۟ وَأَنتُمُ ٱلْأَعْلَوْنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ ١٣٩ 

Dear bb,

In so many of my letters I apologize, but I too often extend out my rationality to the point where my "apologies" may come across as justifications. On the other hand, maybe my optimism and hope for the future detract from my apologies. I don't want to do that here. I don't want to rationalize, explain my reasoning, or fantasize about the future. I just want to apologize.

  1. I'm sorry. For everything. 
  2. I'm sorry for making you feel unwanted and unloved.
  3. I'm sorry for those days where I'd come home from school and disassociate on the couch for hours while staring at my phone.
  4. I'm sorry that I was so dispassionate toward you it made you think I was cheating.
  5. I'm sorry for not being able to communicate when under stress.
  6. I'm sorry for being so defensive when arguing.
  7. I'm sorry for being nitpicky in arguments, ie. "we haven't had sex in 2 weeks," and I would say "well, actually, it's ten days."
  8. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your feelings and their validity enough.
  9. I'm sorry that I ever looked at pornography. 
  10. I'm sorry for looking at thirst traps.
  11. I'm sorry for being stupid enough to think it improved my libido.
  12. I'm sorry that I said you have porn brain.
  13. I'm sorry that I, in fact, had porn brain.
  14. I'm sorry for being incredibly stupid and emotionally immature. 
  15. I'm sorry that I didn't get you enough gifts, that I failed to uphold my own standards in this regard.
  16. I'm sorry for hiding my illnesses, Severe Depression and General Anxiety Disorder.
  17. I'm sorry that when I knew I had them, I did nothing to get better but smoke weed.
  18. I'm sorry for not praying with you more.
  19. I'm sorry for making you drag me to the masjid, rather than enthusiastically going.
  20. I'm sorry I didn't get to go to the hadith classes with you.
  21. I'm sorry for not disclosing my severe father issues.
  22. I'm sorry for ruining our honeymoon. 
  23. I'm sorry for being unable to perform sexually, and not trying to get better.
  24. I'm sorry for saying my brother is a better driver. Recent car rides have shown how wrong I was.
  25. I'm sorry for being afraid of your friends, and hiding from them.
  26. I'm sorry that I couldn't handle job stress at the DOL.
  27. I'm sorry that I couldn't handle job stress at LL.
  28. I'm sorry for moving to Vietnam.
  29. I'm sorry for not setting boundaries with that woman.
  30. I'm sorry that I counted money constantly, trying to figure out if we're "even."
  31. I'm sorry that you put yourself out there. 
  32. I'm sorry I let you down.
  33. I'm sorry that you had to show me to your family.
  34. I'm sorry that I couldn't console you well enough.
  35. I'm sorry that I treated you so coldly on our final day.
  36. I'm sorry that I threw away the shirt you made me.
  37. I'm sorry for all the financial anxiety I felt that made me feel worthless.
  38. I'm sorry for counting every dollar we spent in Vietnam.
  39. I'm sorry that you wasted so much time and money on me.
  40. I'm sorry that I didn't get to spend more money on you.
  41. I'm sorry for being addicted to weed.
  42. I'm sorry for downplaying that addiction.
  43. I'm sorry for being dishonest.
  44. I'm sorry for hurting you.
  45. I'm sorry that I didn't get to share more pictures of you.
  46. I'm sorry that I didn't share more of your art.
  47. I'm sorry that I made you feel like there was something wrong with your body. It is perfect.
  48. I'm sorry that I made you think you were overweight. You're perfectly proportioned.
  49. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get you more jewelry. You look so cute in it.
  50. I'm sorry I didn't get to kiss you enough.
  51. Or hug.
  52. Or fuck.
  53. Or tell you "I love you."
  54. I'm sorry for being so incomplete, so willfully ignorant of my mental wellbeing.
  55. I'm sorry for making you cry so many times.
  56. I'm sorry for trying to play the field after we split.
  57. I'm sorry for having an encounter after we stopped counseling.
  58. I'm sorry I wasn't able to commit fully to mending our marriage.
  59. I'm sorry that the time to do that may be over.
  60. I'm sorry that I can't be there for you now.
  61. I'm sorry that you can't be here for me.
  62. I'm sorry for worrying that you needed validation from strangers more than me.
  63. I'm sorry that I didn't support BopBop enough.
  64. I'm sorry that I didn't make enough effort in ANYTHING.
  65. I'm sorry that I let all my problems affect you so much.
  66. I'm sorry for shutting you out from things that bothered me.
  67. I'm sorry that I can't hear from you right now.
  68. I'm sorry that you fell in love with me.
  69. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't care.
  70. I'm sorry that I didn't seek help sooner, for myself or us with counseling.
  71. I'm sorry you had to see two versions of me, and got stuck with the worst one.
  72. I'm sorry for failing you.

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