All Aboard the Pray Train

I'm sorry for everything you feel, every pain and every hurt I caused. If there is anything I could do to take it back, to change it, to heal you, I would. If there are any words I can say to earn your forgiveness, I would speak them. If there were any action to earn your favor, I would perform that. If there is any chance to be at your side again, I will hold on to it. The pain you feel is undeserved. The most pure, beautiful woman Allah has created deserves a paradise everywhere. It is an egregious sin I have committed to have dragged you down to my level, to have torn down your happiness, to have robbed you of your love. I am eternally sorry for my actions, for my inactions. I pray for Allah's forgiveness, as I do yours. I do not know if I deserve either. 

Today is actually an important milestone for me. Today (October 4th) marks the 12th day in a row in which I have completed every single prayer. Though it may be self-righteous, my first Dua after every prayer are for forgiveness. My most important Dua, after begging forgiveness, is for blessings onto you. I pray for your health, for your happiness, for your strength, for your joy, for your security, for your beauty, for your prosperity, that you may feel loved, that you may feel wanted, that you receive all possible blessings from Allah, that He guides you as He does me. Suffice it to say, I ask a lot of Allah (though I think He can handle it) and my legs/feet have done a lot of stretching. I wish I could ask you if it's made a difference. I wish I could know if you've felt any changes recently. It certainly is not fair that I should see marginal improvements at my rock bottom if you don't. I love you with every fiber of my being, in every corner of every thought.

I wish you could see the person I am becoming; I think you two would really get along! My medication is really helping, as is therapy and exercise and journaling. I remember very vividly when you said you wanted the old B---- back during counseling. To my (and your?) anguish, he said you would never get the old B---- back, but that you may get a new, better B-----. At the time I didn't see how a better B---- could be possible, and there is no way I could expect you to have thought it possible. I certainly know there is, and as much as I yearn for you to as well, I know the gravity of my fuck-ups. I'm immeasurably sorry for betraying your trust, for hurting you, and much more. But, hey! Maybe if you don't want a new B---- you could try Zubair! 

I am preparing a video project for you, it should be ready by the end of the month. I hope you get a chance to see it. Also, I made an incredible breakthrough in my issues that I wish I could share with you.

I keep you in my heart, head, and soul. I love you forever until the end of time. I am infinitely thankful for the time we spent together and the faith you gave me.