Our Last Days/I’m sorry

In our last days, if I could do it over:

I wouldn’t hate you.

I wouldn’t ignore you.

I wouldn’t hurt you.

I wouldn’t throw away anything. 

I wouldn’t be angry.

I wouldn’t think it’s your fault.

I wouldn’t be stupid.

I wouldn’t think I need to move on.

I wouldn’t think it’s hopeless.

I wouldn’t absorb myself in narcissism.

I wouldn’t think only about myself

I would’ve thought about you.

I would’ve talked to you.

I would’ve accepted my responsibility.

I would’ve immediately signed up for therapy.

I would’ve cried harder.

I would’ve fought like hell.

I would’ve consoled you.

I would’ve let you console me.

I would’ve hugged you.

I would’ve told you I love you.

I would’ve apologized.

I would’ve thanked you.

I would’ve told you I can be better.

I would’ve believed it, too.

I would’ve told you there’s nothing wrong with you.

I would’ve told you what’s wrong with me.

I would’ve apologized again.

And again. And again.

I will apologize now:

I’m sorry for hurting you.

I’m sorry for being your villain.

I’m sorry for scaring you, for making you feel unloved, unliked, unwanted.

I’m sorry for not trying to fix things. 

I’m sorry for not trying to fix myself. 

I'm sorry for letting anxiety ruin our love.

I’m sorry for letting my depression get so bad.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. 

Forever and always, I am sorry to you. 

I still need you. I still need your love. I still need your smile, your touch, your unsurpassable beauty. When or if you are ready, please let me love you again. Please let me remind you how strong our love can be. Please don’t forget that letter you wrote and those feelings you felt. I will wait for you until my last breath, and I would gladly show you all my secrets, I would open myself fully, and I promise I would never hold back. Wallahi I promise, on my mother, on me, I’m done being a coward who uses his anxiety/depression as an excuse to not try being a better person. Wallahi I am trying to become a better person. Wallahi I haven’t looked at pornography or thirst traps in over two weeks. Wallahi I am praying 5 times a day, and each time making duaa for your health, prosperity, happiness, wealth, good fortune, beauty, security, safety, faith, and that you receive the full bounty of Allah’s blessings. Wallahi I will not stop making duaa for you until the day I die. Wallahi there is no one on this Earth more deserving of this than you, the love of my life. I’m sorry.

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