Our Fairytale/Love + Religion

I used to have you, which felt like everything. Now, I have nothing but faith, love, and medication. I thank Allah and you everyday for allowing me to see a better path forward. Against all odds, I cannot help but feel hopeful and optimistic. It may be already lost, your love for me, but I cannot accept this. I feel something swelling inside me when I think of us. I think of how beautiful our story was, and how much beauty there is left to write. 

With how much there is to love about you, how could I possibly stop? How could I possibly give up? 

You once told me of a vision or a dream you had where you imagined Jannah: an unequivocable paradise of pink flowers in the topography of Ha Long Bay. I remember you crying as you described it, as you told me of what you saw, of what could be our future. It is a scene more inspiring to me now than any other, one I will never forget, and one that I believe is possible. You may hate me, and I think that's fair considering the amount of sh*t I have thrown at you, how garbage of a human I was... but there is something in me: an optimism, a faith that had been buried beneath feet of anxiety, depression, self-loathing. This faith tells me your vision was true. It tells me our love was true, that my love for you still is true and will always be. It gives me reason to believe that things can and will be better through work, patience, and prayer. I wish you could meet me again, and we could pray together. 

I imagine my religiosity surprises you. I know I was horrible at praying when we were together, and it seems all too convenient that I start hitting every salah when we are not together. I think that is fair. I think all of your emotions/attitudes/trepidations towards me are fair. I do not think there is a single reason, rather it is a confluence of factors that have drawn me closer to Islam. One simple reason is that I realized, no matter where I am in life, whether I am up or down, the one thing I can count on having is faith and prayer, that if I have no one else I have Allah. Another simpler reason is medication making it easier to rise above the fear of failure, allowing me to see a future where I can make every salah and become a good Muslim. What I think may be the strongest reason, as groan-inducing as it may be, is love.

Bear with me...

My first girlfriend I dated in college was Christian, and at the time I was an atheist, not an edgy Reddit-tier capital A atheist, but I definitely looked down at most religions and religious people. One time I asked her why she believes in her god, what proof or evidence she accepts. She told me pointedly "how else do you explain true love?" 

I scoffed "it's all a chemical reaction." Looking back it's funny how ridiculous of a response this was. I didn't even know what chemicals I was talking about, what the mechanism of that reaction is, or why the "chemicals" would react that way. On a deeper level, I didn't even know what true love was. Regardless, I would often remember this conversation. I still do, obviously, and with maturity I've realized how wrong I was, especially after being with you and feeling true love. 

I can't explain this feeling of love stirring in me without accounting for Allah. This feeling that influences me to hope for us, to plan gifts to send to you, to make duaa for you, to believe in your vision of Jannah could not possibly have a logical foundation, in a sense. A "LoGiCaL" person would probably cut their losses and run, find someone else. They'd think what I'm doing-- writing all these paragraphs and making all these duaas-- is a waste of time. 

I am hesitant to say I have received revelation, I am still learning what that really means, but I do feel as if a veil has been slowly lifting over my perception. After all my time on Earth trying to live logically I've realized the truth: I'm bad with logic, and logic is bad with me! The only thing my logic has gotten me is endless second-guessing and an inability to fully commit. And that is precisely why I cannot choose logic. To choose "logic" would mean re-submitting myself to a fear of failure, to give into anxiety and depression. Rather than being afraid of uncertainty, I can embrace it through faith. And it is only in faith that I have been able to find happiness in uncertainty, and it is only through faith that I can have hope in it, too.

So, I will always have faith: in Allah, in our fairytale. In time, you may as well. Until that day I wait.

Holy Quran 42:43

وَلَمَن صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ لَمِنْ عَزْمِ ٱلْأُمُورِ ٤٣

Our Fairytale (please read the lyrics): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBcp_ljCBGU