Irony

 Assalammu Alaikum dearest beloved,

I'm now mostly settled into my new place, though there are a few small things I want, and one major thing I want (hint: you). InshAllah you are doing well. I'm so happy to see you posting music again. You're so talented and gifted. The internet, and the world, is a better place with your voice in it. I hope seeing my name liking your videos does not cause you too much distress. If you do have seen it, thank you for not blocking me. I wish I could share your videos with my students. Seeing a strong Muslim woman like yourself being unafraid to express herself would inspire them. I still tell people I'm married. 

Irony: I cannot stop seeing how much better it would've been if we had come here instead of Vietnam. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find a more suitable place for us to go.

For one, there is a community of like-minded people; none of the social events have alcohol and there are so many kind Muslims here. It would have been so much easier for you to have friends here either with teachers or students at my university. I'm sure they would all love you, and you could have so much to share with them. We could have been a part of the community here. We could have had rich lives outside of our apartment. My schedule is such that I don't have to work until the afternoon. We could have slept-in together, and you could have come to work with me. There is a lot of office space. We could have prayed together during the day, even. Things are so much cheaper here, I wouldn't have so much financial anxiety. 

On that note, I went shopping this weekend. It used to be so hard for me to spend money on things that wasn't weed, or videogames, but I bought some clothes and a few books. I bought a 'punjavi.' Alhumdulilah (and thanks to antidepressants) I think I actually look good in it. The clothes here are so beautiful, I hope you will let me send you some next month. There are many beautiful dresses and hijabs. Even if I could never see you in them, I would love for you to have some. You'd look hella fly in them. I really did love getting you gifts, before my depression really took a nosedive. I wish I could've remembered that. I apologize for not making you a priority. I have dreams about being able to give you gifts again-- to give you weekly flowers and take you out to dinner, to buy you new clothes, to treat you like the queen you deserve to be treated.

I'm so sorry. I wasn't a good provider. I used to think/say you saw our relationship as transactional. I was projecting so much!! You were so generous and caring with me, but you're like that with everyone. You're a bright star in this world and your wondrous soul illuminates all in its orbit. I worried so much about carving out my own emergency funds that I failed to commit completely to you. You didn't deserve that.

Really, I should share all my income with you. To be honest, I would feel comfortable if you actually controlled all of our money-- not that it's your job to do so! I just mean that: a) if I want to be a good Muslim then I must give you everything you need or want that I can, and b) let's be honest, you're better at it. I was so greedy with what I earned. Anytime I thought I was spending more money on us than the bare minimum, I saw it as me ruining my future. I assumed nothing good would last in my life, that you would leave me eventually. 

And I made it come true. Irony.

I saw on TikTok a while ago a couple interesting points:

1. Never say you cannot live without someone. Allah (swt) will make you live without them.
2. Never say you love someone more than anything else. Allah (swt) will make you remember to love Him more.   

Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think?

On the 22nd, it will be my 120th consecutive day of prayer, with as many dua for you. May Allah grant you everything you need or want. 

With unceasing apologia for harming your aura,

Z