12 Feet Down

 Assalammu Alaikum dearest beloved, I'm now mostly settled into my new place, though there are a few small things I want, and one major thing I want (hint: you). InshAllah you are doing well. I'm so happy to see you posting music again. You're so talented and gifted. The internet, and the world, is a better place with your voice in it. I hope seeing my name liking your videos does not cause you too much distress. If you do have seen it, thank you for not blocking me. I wish I could share your videos with my students. Seeing a strong Muslim woman like yourself being unafraid to express herself would inspire them. I still tell people I'm married.  Irony: I cannot stop seeing how much better it would've been if we had come here instead of Vietnam. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find a more suitable place for us to go. For one, there is a community of like-minded people; none of the social events have alcohol and there are so many kind Muslims here. It would h...

Waiting for 4th and final plane ride now. I’m sorry again for everything bb. I love you forever and always. Trying not to cry in the terminal, but it’s hard to be happy without knowing I’ll see you again. Even harder because I don’t know how much pain you’re carrying or how or if I can help. I brought my prayer mat and that verse or surah my brother got us. It takes up a lot of luggage space, but I’m trying anything to keep favorite with Allah and continue trying to be a better Muslim. I bought a nice Quran to take with me too. And of course, the ring, which I’ll wear regardless. I want to be better, and I want to always try. I pray it’s true, and Allah lets you see it. Please be happy, please be okay. I want to talk to you so badly. I don’t wanna make a misstep and reach out if it bothers you, fingers crossed February, inshaAllah. Love, yours

আস্সালামু আলাইকুম I'm scrambling around Ohare as of the time this becomes published, where I’ll be for the next 7 hours.  I hope and pray Allah is filling your heart with peace, joy, and love. Starting 2025 with a message from you filled my heart with immense joy and purpose. " Knowing the mouse might one day leave its hole and get the cheese... " I don't know if it is appropriate to message you further... I long for the days when we'd send "wyd? messages. I love reading, and I miss talking to you and hearing your perspective. I love the way you see the world, and I'm beginning to feel like I say things worth hearing and sharing as well. Without your voice it often feels as if music were silenced. Without directly knowing you're happy, my faith turns to the only direction to which faith can be measured.  I am under the impression I should not message you before February (and I'm not even sure it's still on the table. No matter what, I can hope...

Dearest Beloved, I wish you all the best and love you dearly still.  I am sorry for the large gap between this post and last. I meant to write on 12/12/24 because of the numerical significance, but I decided against because I didn't want to make it a weird thing. I would've asked you to make a wish, but I don't think it's appropriate of me to make requests of you. I made mine; we shall see.  I miss you dearly, it's been a rough couple weeks (okay, years is probably more accurate). There's so much I want to talk with you about, so many things I want to share with you, so much I'd like to hear from you about etc. In summation-- at the risk of invoking Mariah Carey-- there is just one thing I want.  The "holidays" are here and it's especially cold literally and figuratively. A time when families come together and make memories around the table and share love and joy. So, an incredibly acute feeling of emptiness has fueled a desire to write to you ...

Assalamu Alaikum dearest beloved, I love you and I miss you. I hope you are doing well and surrounded by loving people who cherish you and lift you up. There's nothing I want more than for you to be happy again.  Consider the following as an extended meditation on Sura 13:11: "God never changes a people's state until they change what is in themselves." I'm thinking about passivity, and how for a large part of my life I felt like everything was passing me by. I remember you saying how passive I was. I am so sorry for not listening, for not realizing, for not accepting, and all the hurt that came from that. What I find really pathetic about it is how I would characterize it as me being "nonchalant" or "chill." Sure, in a way it may have been true, but in a much more real sense it was just a thin patina over a mountain of chalant and not-chill. It makes me so sad, especially when I think about how I didn't take an active role in Islam; I would...

 Assalamu alaykum dearest beloved, I hope you are doing well. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, that you were able to spend it with your loved ones who love you. I know how important family Thanksgivings are to you; I remember your stories about how good the cooking was. I'm sorry for keeping you away from them, or them away from you. I always hoped I could've spent Thanksgiving with you, that we could cook a big turkey and a bunch of sides and appetizers. InshaAllah :') I've been wanting to write to you desperately since seeing your text asking me where I am going. I know it is not much, but it filled me with such happiness and joy to see words from you and to read them in your voice. It brings a tear to my eyes even now thinking about it. I haven't felt that good in months, honestly. And when you texted asking if I had your Switch, it was as if a warm bolt of happiness had struck thru to my heart. I felt giddy and anxious-- how do I respond? what do I say? ...

 Assalamu Alaykum Darling, Missing you dearly this cold evening. I'm sorry for the pain and hurt you may be feeling. I hope Allah has answered my dua for you, that you are doing well.  I want to tell you I found a job. After having applied to so many jobs here in America, in my homestate, online, I found a job abroad and I fear I must take it. It's not teaching English for profit, Alhamdulillah, but it is teaching English. I wish I could've found a different job, something that would allow me to stay in America, but it eludes me. I at least find comfort in it being a job teaching at a university, for underserved communities in a country I don't think you'd expect. At the very least, I will be happy to be in a Muslim country.  But it is abroad, and I am terrified. I miss you much and wish desperately we could repair things. I don't think it will be any easier when I am on the other side of the world. Yet, I need money to do things, to buy you flowers, clothes, gi...