Passivity/Activity

Assalamu Alaikum dearest beloved,

I love you and I miss you. I hope you are doing well and surrounded by loving people who cherish you and lift you up. There's nothing I want more than for you to be happy again. 

Consider the following as an extended meditation on Sura 13:11: "God never changes a people's state until they change what is in themselves."

I'm thinking about passivity, and how for a large part of my life I felt like everything was passing me by. I remember you saying how passive I was. I am so sorry for not listening, for not realizing, for not accepting, and all the hurt that came from that. What I find really pathetic about it is how I would characterize it as me being "nonchalant" or "chill." Sure, in a way it may have been true, but in a much more real sense it was just a thin patina over a mountain of chalant and not-chill. It makes me so sad, especially when I think about how I didn't take an active role in Islam; I wouldn't pray, or mention it, even though I would get adhan notifications on my phone. I wouldn't read the Quran or read more about Islam. I silently expected that you would do it or teach me. And I didn't even tell you!!!! What the hell was I thinking?! Everything was just "sit and wait." Perhaps the fear of failure was the reason, as in "making myself confront how little I know about the religion I signed up for is a further degradation of my ego." Sure, it was a symptom of depression, but maybe also it's just a predilection in my personality. Like most things, you were right and I was blind. I'm sorry and I wish I (could've?) listened. 

"It is not the eyes that are blind, but the hearts." Sura 22:46

It really is a mental illness, I suppose. It's also, frankly, quite stupid: to think of my life as something completely outside of my control. There are so many things I'm sincerely trying to cut out of my life now, as I try to be more active. I remember how I used to believe the things I did were just immutable facts of life: smoking weed, looking at porn, viewing myself as mediocre, out-of-shape, a failure, disappointing, etc. It seems so foolish now, after being on medication and sincerely practicing Islam. You would certainly be shocked to learn I finally uninstalled Twitter from my phone. I still check the website on my phone, but it is for sure A LOT less than I used to. I also had ChatGPT help me build an exercise program and spreadsheet to track progress. "My physical looms on a schedule; I want to be healthy for you." I'm sorry that I didn't/couldn't have worked on this when we were together. In some strange way, I think I needed to fall to lose it all. And in the end, I hope it matters. 

The point I'm trying to make here isn't "look how good I'm doing now." I'm not even sure I am doing good. Rather, I am trying to let you know that without you, I never would have been able to turn my life around. Without you as inspiration, I would've killed myself. Without you as inspiration, I would certainly end up in Jahannum. Not saying I won't, but I like my odds more now.

I hope you know I don't expect you to love me again, to want to be with me again. I definitely don't think I deserve it. I heard this quote recently from Alan Moore, and I think about how it applies to my life now: "you have to put aside the fear of failing and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely purely, without fear, without desire. Because things that we do without lust of result are the purest actions that we shall ever take."

Unrelatedly, I heard there might be a devastating earthquake in the near future, somewhere near western America within the next month and a half. I am praying for your safety, as always, but I will add a little extra. I wish I could see your Spotify wrapped, too.

Missing you dearly and eternally grateful for having been in your presence,

Z