A New Exile/ Sufism

 Assalamu Alaykum Darling,

Missing you dearly this cold evening. I'm sorry for the pain and hurt you may be feeling. I hope Allah has answered my dua for you, that you are doing well. 

I want to tell you I found a job. After having applied to so many jobs here in America, in my homestate, online, I found a job abroad and I fear I must take it. It's not teaching English for profit, Alhamdulillah, but it is teaching English. I wish I could've found a different job, something that would allow me to stay in America, but it eludes me. I at least find comfort in it being a job teaching at a university, for underserved communities in a country I don't think you'd expect. At the very least, I will be happy to be in a Muslim country. 

But it is abroad, and I am terrified. I miss you much and wish desperately we could repair things. I don't think it will be any easier when I am on the other side of the world. Yet, I need money to do things, to buy you flowers, clothes, gifts, anything. I want to spoil you so badly, dear. So, for the next year and a half I will be abroad. I won't forget you, ever. I will maintain my chastity, faithfully, happily, so in the event you ask me if I have been with anyone else I can enthusiastically and truthfully tell you "no." I wish I could give you complete access to my phone and internet history for proof.

I'm sorry for not writing in so long. I still think about you constantly, and wish I could hear from you, or at least know you're doing alright. Not texting you is so difficult, there is no music I'd rather hear than your voice, and my life is emptier without you in it. With that said, I hope come Valentine's Day a flower or gift sent to you may elicit a response (though I am not owed one). I'll not ever give up on you, my darling, ever.

Forever yours in regretful sorrow.


I wanted to share with you some Hadith, Sufi poetry, and aphorisms I've read recently in a book I got:

"The best of you are those who, when they are seen, God is remembered." - Hadith. This must be referring to you, your magnetic personality and dazzling beauty.

"The Beloved was face to face,

    and I knew it not.

He was intimately close to me, 

    and I knew it not.

I said: "Seek"--- 

    but I had already arrived!

I myself was scattering,

    and I knew it not."

- Sharaf ad-Din Maniri. The beauty of God is manifest everywhere, the world rich in meaning. Stepping out of the cloister of self-consciousness, away from the ephemeral search, comprehension of tawhid is closer to attainment. Annihilate the ego, impartially observe the beauty of creation in existence.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sorry, Quick

Waiting for 4th and final plane ride now. I’m sorry again for everything bb. I love you forever and always. Trying not to cry in the terminal, but it’s hard to be happy without knowing I’ll see you again. Even harder because I don’t know how much pain you’re carrying or how or if I can help. I brought my prayer mat and that verse or surah my brother got us. It takes up a lot of luggage space, but I’m trying anything to keep favorite with Allah and continue trying to be a better Muslim. I bought a nice Quran to take with me too. And of course, the ring, which I’ll wear regardless. I want to be better, and I want to always try. I pray it’s true, and Allah lets you see it. Please be happy, please be okay. I want to talk to you so badly. I don’t wanna make a misstep and reach out if it bothers you, fingers crossed February, inshaAllah. Love, yours
Read more

Ramadan Mubarak

 Dearest Love, Ramadan Mubarak! InshaAllah you are doing well, staying on the deen, and finding happiness. I pray this Ramadan is easier for you. I'm so sorry that I was not more supportive during our Ramadan's together. In those times I was so unhealthy with my diet, mind, body that I did not respect how difficult it was for a normal person like yourself. I'm sorry for not being a better partner for you. I want to lift you up and help you through your problems, not shrug them off and pretend like you're strange and I'm fine. Now that I am maintaining a healthier lifestyle I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about fasting. Focusing on muscle growth, I'm afraid I won't be able to continue working out and get my calories. I've made a plan, though, may Allah allow me on the right path.  For this Ramadan I want to start doing some Sunnah prayers, and making extra duaa for you. I hope this year the burden isn't as strong as it once was. I wish...
Read more

Irony

 Assalammu Alaikum dearest beloved, I'm now mostly settled into my new place, though there are a few small things I want, and one major thing I want (hint: you). InshAllah you are doing well. I'm so happy to see you posting music again. You're so talented and gifted. The internet, and the world, is a better place with your voice in it. I hope seeing my name liking your videos does not cause you too much distress. If you do have seen it, thank you for not blocking me. I wish I could share your videos with my students. Seeing a strong Muslim woman like yourself being unafraid to express herself would inspire them. I still tell people I'm married.  Irony: I cannot stop seeing how much better it would've been if we had come here instead of Vietnam. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find a more suitable place for us to go. For one, there is a community of like-minded people; none of the social events have alcohol and there are so many kind Muslims here. It would h...
Read more