Feeling close(r)

 Assalamu alaykum dearest beloved,

I hope you are doing well. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, that you were able to spend it with your loved ones who love you. I know how important family Thanksgivings are to you; I remember your stories about how good the cooking was. I'm sorry for keeping you away from them, or them away from you. I always hoped I could've spent Thanksgiving with you, that we could cook a big turkey and a bunch of sides and appetizers. InshaAllah :')

I've been wanting to write to you desperately since seeing your text asking me where I am going. I know it is not much, but it filled me with such happiness and joy to see words from you and to read them in your voice. It brings a tear to my eyes even now thinking about it. I haven't felt that good in months, honestly. And when you texted asking if I had your Switch, it was as if a warm bolt of happiness had struck thru to my heart. I felt giddy and anxious-- how do I respond? what do I say? too many words? not enough? do I have it and I don't know? can I ask her a question? -- like a schoolboy. I hope I wasn't too curt. Really I just didn't want to come off as overbearing or overstepping, telling myself something like "Don't annoy/bother her with anything else. Just answer her questions and don't make this about you." Feeling close to you, if even in the slightest capacity, feels profound and helps me remember how good life could be. It's why I'm making dua for you and still wearing my wedding ring and, when I go to sleep, I place it right next to my pillow: so I can think of you, be next to you, in pretend. I hope my duas have reached you. 

I really wish I didn't have to work abroad. I feel ashamed that I haven't been able to get employment in my country. I just, I want so badly to be back with you and to talk to you, and I hate that if we are able to, I'll have to do it from abroad again. I think there were so many issues that stemmed from the fact that I made you live in a country where you had to work such insane hours, and I hate the idea that I have to be back on that side of the world because I'm apparently too unqualified for even entry-level positions here. But, I'm trying not to wallow here, "Zubair" is all about moving forward and not getting sucked into an over-inflated ego that belies hyper-anxiety and depression.. I am excited that the opportunity is very rewarding. I've heard a lot of our students come from Afghanistan, and even some from Gaza. It's like I'll be teaching people who need it, not people who can afford it. And, for sure their stories/ perspectives/ lives will keep me humble and grateful for what I have, or had. Alhumdullilah I think this was meant to be; I read this book on Sufism that has been monumental in bringing me closer to Islam and I've heard the city I'll be in is called "Land of the 12 Sufi Saints." 

I've been replaying the final days we had together in my head again and I want to scream I'm sorry into my pillow until I die. I'm sorry and disgusted with myself that I let myself get to that state, and that I took out my anger and frustration by pretending like you don't exist. I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through before and after that, too. You are an absolute gift to this world and I hope the world lets you know it. I love you for everything that you are and I'll keep praying and making dua for you. So far it has been 329 prayers/dua in a row. I don't ever to intend to stop. 

Missing you always. 

With forlorn regret,

Z

Love makes the ocean a boiling pot, 

    love grinds down mountains to sand. 

Love splits the heavens with a hundred splitings, 

    love shakes the earth with its outbursts. 

Pure love was paired with Muhammad, 

    for its sake God said to him, "But for thee . ..": 

"Were it not for pure love, 

    why would I create the spheres? 

I raised the celestial wheel on high 

    so that you might grasp love's exalted rank."