Holiday Away

Dearest Beloved,

I wish you all the best and love you dearly still.  I am sorry for the large gap between this post and last. I meant to write on 12/12/24 because of the numerical significance, but I decided against because I didn't want to make it a weird thing. I would've asked you to make a wish, but I don't think it's appropriate of me to make requests of you. I made mine; we shall see. 

I miss you dearly, it's been a rough couple weeks (okay, years is probably more accurate). There's so much I want to talk with you about, so many things I want to share with you, so much I'd like to hear from you about etc. In summation-- at the risk of invoking Mariah Carey-- there is just one thing I want. 

The "holidays" are here and it's especially cold literally and figuratively. A time when families come together and make memories around the table and share love and joy. So, an incredibly acute feeling of emptiness has fueled a desire to write to you once again. I just finished Isha prayer, fighting back tears as I realized just how sad it is that I haven't heard your voice, felt your presence, or seen your beauty in several months now. That now, when families traditionally come together in our country, mine feels ripped apart without you. 

I'm so sorry for my unwillingness to acknowledge and deal with my depression and shortcomings. I look back at how powerless and weak I felt with you, and I wish there was something I could tell myself so I could've sought help faster. Sometimes I feel like everything had to happen this way because of the way we began our relationship: that we broke and bended rules to be together maybe meant we didn't have a solid foundation to build on. But I don't think that's true. I think I just didn't understand what being in a relationship was, or what being an adult meant. My own internalized misogyny led me to feeling so powerless and weak, like I couldn't protect or provide for you. I saw our relationship as a zero-sum game: that for every thing you gave, I needed to give more. I once expressed fear that you saw our relationship as transactional... of course, in hindsight, I see the projection-- how I was ruthlessly and foolishly trying to account for who gave what and who took what. I read a book a few months ago called "Debt: The First 5,000 Years," and it's really put into perspective how society has dictated these concepts of what is owed and to whom, and helped me move away from selfishness. You were giving because you were loving, sometimes I worry I was giving so I could earn something. 

Even on our honeymoon, I was just in constant dread that I couldn't have helped out with it more, that you had to pay for so much on my behalf. I felt like the only thing I could provide for us was pictures. It was the one area in my life where I felt confident, like I was "providing" for both of us or improving our lives. Everything else just felt like I was dragging you down fiscally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Still to this day I'm endeavoring to save money and take you on a trip somewhere nice, though again I'm not owed your presence or anything of the sort. Maybe, I could just return the mahr and you could have your own trip. I'd love to hear of you travelling somewhere like Italy, France, Japan, Croatia, or maybe even New Zealand. Of the 454 dua I have made for you to have happiness, peace, calm, stability, security, safety, joy, good fortune, good health, prosperity, and wealth; for you to be liked, loved, cherished, cared for, and accepted; and that your faith is strengthened, I hope that some has reached you. 

(You can skip this next paragraph) Walking away from depression has been incredibly difficult; I often find myself in a struggle to discern what is a meaningful self-critique or just unrelenting self-hate. Often one changes into the other. I try to frame it as recognizing past mistakes and looking not only at what I do wrong, but about what I could do better. My friend told me "can't change the past, can only learn from it." Less poetically, my therapist said "hindsight is useful, but it is only hindsight." Anyways sorry to bring this up again, but I think about how praying has helped me realize that avoidance is a decision and I can make conscious choices about my own life. When I choose to pray, it is as if I am choosing good things for myself, and that at least at the end of the day, I can feel proud of completing what I always thought of as impossible. With that mindset I've been able to read books, get serious about studying a new language (sidenote: I always wished that we could study a new language together), exercise regularly, and be more present away from my phone.

A couple times you had said that we didn't meet each other at the right time. I think it might be true, but on the other hand I don't know if there ever would have been a right time if I never met you. I don't understand how I could ever have gotten better if I didn't completely hit rock bottom when I lost you. If everything happens for a reason, please Allah let this have been a good one.

I plan on wearing my wedding ring while I'm in the next country. I don't know how I'll talk about it with others, but I don't want to give the impression that I'm available to anyone else, including myself. I'll write again, at least once, before I go.

Always and forever yours,

Zubayr

"And as the sunset came to meet the evening on the hill, 

I told you I'd always love you, I always did, I always will."