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Garnet

 Sapphire’s Soliloquies I can’t stop needing you, nor can I stop wanting you. I need to love. If there’s still a chance, let me know. I keep reading into all of your videos, imagining lyrics are about me, and it’s feeding into my narcissism. I shouldn’t be reading into messages and bending my neck to see something that isn’t there. I wanna know what kinda time you need, because honestly, I’m a very codependent person. I need intimacy. I need to feel close to someone. I need to express love, and I need to feel romantic love expressed towards me. I don’t want to keep building a pararomantic fantasy in my head if it’s just going to keep making me lonely and depressed. I know you’re okay with receiving money. If you can tell me, I wanna know if you’re okay receiving love, because I need it. Let me know how long you want me to wait, please. I don’t wanna move on, I just want you back… but I need a love reciprocated. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that. I’m sorry. “Do you have to let it l...
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Home

Let the darkness consume in my bed in my room cause There’s no home without you, Colors wash away past the fray and life turns to gray There’s no beauty without you, Keep your face on my phone, my desk, Still feel alone, I miss you and I wanna come home I miss you and I wanna go home 
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Salams

 Dearest Beloved, I wish I could write more. I feel a little stressed and overwhelmed recently, and I am behind in everything-- my prayers, my school work, my personal goals. I was so appreciative that you let me send you a birthday gift. I wish we could talk more. For the Eid holiday, my coworker and I went to Dhaka and explored the capital for a few days. It was uncharacteristically quiet, betraying its usual depiction as a polluted, bustling metropole. While having dinner with him, our other coworker, and her sister and brother I felt the despair overwhelm me. Talking to them just enforced how much I miss you, how much they weren't you, and how alone I am. It didn't help that I am getting major creepy vibes from my coworker... I bet you would have loved to hear it once upon a time. I was fighting back tears and had to leave quickly without saying goodbye while they were ordering coffee. I'm reminded of a Kanye lyric: " I had to leave before they even cut the cake, W...
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Ramadan Mubarak

 Dearest Love, Ramadan Mubarak! InshaAllah you are doing well, staying on the deen, and finding happiness. I pray this Ramadan is easier for you. I'm so sorry that I was not more supportive during our Ramadan's together. In those times I was so unhealthy with my diet, mind, body that I did not respect how difficult it was for a normal person like yourself. I'm sorry for not being a better partner for you. I want to lift you up and help you through your problems, not shrug them off and pretend like you're strange and I'm fine. Now that I am maintaining a healthier lifestyle I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about fasting. Focusing on muscle growth, I'm afraid I won't be able to continue working out and get my calories. I've made a plan, though, may Allah allow me on the right path.  For this Ramadan I want to start doing some Sunnah prayers, and making extra duaa for you. I hope this year the burden isn't as strong as it once was. I wish...
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Shab-e-Barat / Valentines / 143 Day

 Assalamu Alaykum dearest, I am sorry for not writing in so long. I hope my text did not bother you also. Today is Shab-e-Barat, a "Muslim" holiday popular in South Asia and Iran. It's also Valentine's Day, so, of course your absence weighs especially heavily today. There is so much I wish I could give you, to send to you. There are many beautiful clothes here... I remember during our honeymoon how you would buy me clothes, and how weak and useless I felt, because I thought  I couldn't do the same. I worried so much about money, who owed what to whom, that at times it suffocated all other thoughts and emotions. I'm so sorry, darling, that I lived my life as a coward and made yours worse.  It probably sounds completely disingenuous to now say "I want to give you gifts." I've given you little reason to trust or believe anything I say. That's my fault, something I can never fault you for, just as I can not fault you for telling me "I don...
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Irony

 Assalammu Alaikum dearest beloved, I'm now mostly settled into my new place, though there are a few small things I want, and one major thing I want (hint: you). InshAllah you are doing well. I'm so happy to see you posting music again. You're so talented and gifted. The internet, and the world, is a better place with your voice in it. I hope seeing my name liking your videos does not cause you too much distress. If you do have seen it, thank you for not blocking me. I wish I could share your videos with my students. Seeing a strong Muslim woman like yourself being unafraid to express herself would inspire them. I still tell people I'm married.  Irony: I cannot stop seeing how much better it would've been if we had come here instead of Vietnam. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find a more suitable place for us to go. For one, there is a community of like-minded people; none of the social events have alcohol and there are so many kind Muslims here. It would h...
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Sorry, Quick

Waiting for 4th and final plane ride now. I’m sorry again for everything bb. I love you forever and always. Trying not to cry in the terminal, but it’s hard to be happy without knowing I’ll see you again. Even harder because I don’t know how much pain you’re carrying or how or if I can help. I brought my prayer mat and that verse or surah my brother got us. It takes up a lot of luggage space, but I’m trying anything to keep favorite with Allah and continue trying to be a better Muslim. I bought a nice Quran to take with me too. And of course, the ring, which I’ll wear regardless. I want to be better, and I want to always try. I pray it’s true, and Allah lets you see it. Please be happy, please be okay. I want to talk to you so badly. I don’t wanna make a misstep and reach out if it bothers you, fingers crossed February, inshaAllah. Love, yours
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