Salams

 Dearest Beloved,


I wish I could write more. I feel a little stressed and overwhelmed recently, and I am behind in everything-- my prayers, my school work, my personal goals. I was so appreciative that you let me send you a birthday gift. I wish we could talk more. For the Eid holiday, my coworker and I went to Dhaka and explored the capital for a few days. It was uncharacteristically quiet, betraying its usual depiction as a polluted, bustling metropole.

While having dinner with him, our other coworker, and her sister and brother I felt the despair overwhelm me. Talking to them just enforced how much I miss you, how much they weren't you, and how alone I am. It didn't help that I am getting major creepy vibes from my coworker... I bet you would have loved to hear it once upon a time. I was fighting back tears and had to leave quickly without saying goodbye while they were ordering coffee. I'm reminded of a Kanye lyric: "I had to leave before they even cut the cake, Welcome to Heartbreak."

Though I am sad without you, and I feel my life is more dull without you, I want to express how happy I am when I do think about you.

When I imagine your laugh, your smile, I feel grateful for having ever experienced that. When I imagine your touch, my body feels warmer.

When I remember your kisses, my heart starts beating.

When I think about your perfect proportions, how voluptuous you are, how Rubenesque your delicate soft body is... blood rushes faster. 

I feel like a vampire, the way I crave your body, pardon the imagery. I worry I was-- that is a leech, a bloodsucker, a parasitic presence. I just... I want you so badly. and I want all of you. There are, believe me, much more intimate things I want to say, but I don't want to be too crass here. A few months ago I wrote down 144 things that I love about you. I got a lot of crassness there, to be sure.

There's so much of you that defies the notion that perfection exists only in the Heavens. A million different ways you are beautiful. I'd like to get back on track with my prayers and Duaa for you.  InshaAllah some day I may have the opportunity to tell you again, for the first time, about just how lovable and intoxicating you are.

Even if my prayers may be invalid because I am completing them later (though I hope Allah forgives me as I am diagnosed), I will make up all of my prayers and continue my Duaa for you. Sidenote: if you have been feeling worse for the past couple days/week, then I apologize because this is when I have lapsed... 

Anyway, I don't think I've ever shared the exact Duaa I make for you. So, here is it what I have been asking for you and myself (about 964 times so far):

"Please give unto my darling B******** the full bounty of your blessing; please give unto her: happiness, peace, calm, stability, security, safety, joy, good fortune, good health, prosperity, wealth. Please allow her to be liked, loved, cared for, cherished, and accepted. Please strengthen her faith in You. Please allow her to forgive me if I am deserving. Please restore our marriage and reunite us with mutual love and support if it is in your will."

Assalammu alaykum, my darling


Love you and Miss you. Thank you for letting me send you a birthday gift.

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