Shab-e-Barat / Valentines / 143 Day

 Assalamu Alaykum dearest,

I am sorry for not writing in so long. I hope my text did not bother you also. Today is Shab-e-Barat, a "Muslim" holiday popular in South Asia and Iran. It's also Valentine's Day, so, of course your absence weighs especially heavily today. There is so much I wish I could give you, to send to you. There are many beautiful clothes here... I remember during our honeymoon how you would buy me clothes, and how weak and useless I felt, because I thought I couldn't do the same. I worried so much about money, who owed what to whom, that at times it suffocated all other thoughts and emotions. I'm so sorry, darling, that I lived my life as a coward and made yours worse. 

It probably sounds completely disingenuous to now say "I want to give you gifts." I've given you little reason to trust or believe anything I say. That's my fault, something I can never fault you for, just as I can not fault you for telling me "I don't want to right now." Trying to look at life from both sides now, in that too there is a glimmer of hope. "Right now" does seem to suggest a possibility in the future... As I wrote in a (cringe) poem earlier "I'll wait for your love til the 24th hour." InshAllah you are well. I would love to have flowers delivered to you. I want to respect your wishes. I don't want to contact you against your will. I'll forever respect the boundaries you set. 

I do not know if I've mentioned it before, but I read a little a quote a couple months ago that goes something like: "some students noticed their imam still carried his prayer beads even though he was old, wise, and surely most often thinking of Allah. They asked him 'why does someone as pious as you still bother to wear them?' He responded, 'I do not stray from that which has brought me closer to my Lord.'" 

Forgive me if I intrude, but I love watching your YouTube videos. A world lacking your precious voice is as a world with no music. Your video on writing a song in 30 minutes was awesome, too. It's so cool to see you do fun editing stuff like that, you're really on your way up! I did notice one thing: you wrote "step 4: sound really bad," but you forgot to add audio for that. I only hear the echo of an angel. 

Today is Day 143 (!). Tomorrow will be the 144th day in a row where I've made all my prayers. I've also managed to line it up so that I will finish reading the Qu'ran (in English) and listen to the final Juz #30. I like to have a Juz playing while I go to sleep, otherwise I will try to do some dhikr. During Ramadan next month, I really hope I can listen to 1 Juz a day and read along in my Qu'ran. I hope this Ramadan is easier for you. "Allah burdens no soul beyond its means."

Forever dreaming of you


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