7 (9/23)

 9/23

To the extent that my letters or scattered thoughts explain why I acted the way I did, with betrayal or deception, know that my purpose is not justification but rationalization. I explain the “why” only insofar as to show how I am making efforts to realize “why” they happened. Only if I know why I acted in such a way can I take steps to never precipitate those conditions again. I’m trying to carve a better me for the future, and part of that means understanding how I react to stress, and how to react productively. 

I’ve had a flurry of panic attacks since you texted. I can’t stop crying about hurting you, about losing you. I don’t know how much it hurts you, I know how much it hurts me, and I can only begin to fathom what you feel. Does it wrench your heart, does it thrash inside your head, does it claw your soul, does it cloud your thoughts, does it replace an urge to be happy, to take control over your destiny with a drive to kill yourself? Does it make suicide preferable to here and now? There are so many things I wish to give you, things I was never able to or thought I was never able to. If pain is the only lingering gift, then it is a gift we share.

I hardly recognize the person I became. I became so distraught in our marriage, feeling completely hopeless and lost with you. Nascent feelings of hopelessness and anxiety accentuated when I would see how disappointed I made you. I married way out of my league, and I felt that: Every. Single. Day. Of all the memories we made, it kills me that the ones first in my mind reinforce my feelings of worthlessness. Every trip we took, every hotel we stayed at, every restaurant we ate at was a new failure of mine because I couldn’t afford something better, something more luxurious for you. I couldn’t even find habitation suitable for you— that first apartment in Hanoi that had the horrible bathroom odor, noisy neighbors, etc. I wanted to do everything, but found myself doing nothing. I wanted to give you the best, but could only give the worst. My engagement ring wasn’t expensive enough, the flowers aren't good enough. And none of that is your fault, you put in more effort than I’d ever seen to make me feel confident. You’re so beautiful and bright and positive, God Bless You, even my awfulness took time to wear you down. At a certain point, you can only do so much for someone who is incapable of doing it for themselves. 

Even sex became difficult. It wasn’t making love, it wasn’t enjoyable, it was a constant battle in my head: “you’re going to disappoint her again. You’re going to hurt her. She’s going to leave you because even when you can f*k, you finish soon.” Writing it down, calling it a battle seems wholly wrong: a battle implies two sides competing on relatively qual footing. It was more of a constant war of attrition, one that would get worse over time as left untreated. At first I would think it’s because I’m not “secure” in our relationship, that I’m too stressed in my work, that I’m sick, that my body is too tired, etc. All of those factors could have been true, but the fact is, even if they are/were, they were all happening within the context of my mental health depreciating rapidly. 

I still don’t know exactly why I didn’t seek help sooner. For sure you did try to push me. Certainly my biggest regret now, after actually going to therapy, getting medication, and seeing results, is not taking that seriously. I feel this post is already too long-winded, I will revisit the topic later, probably. 

In the meantime, I would like to finish by wishing you eternal happiness, that your pain be washed away, that you find true love and care and support, that you find a way to shine even if my darkness suffocates. I’ve begun praying again, and I won’t pretend that I pray all 5 every day, but each time I ask forgiveness from Allah, that your pain is healed before mine, that He lets me continue on this path I’ve started, and (selfishly) that I can become your husband again— this time better, harder, faster, stronger. Your pain is valid, your wishes are valid, and your decision as to whether you want anything to do with me or not is valid. You’re the most precious thing on this earth, and for the rest of my life I will be trying to become the person that could give you anything you want without asking.