12 Feet Down

Eternally sorry for the pain I’ve caused, I want nothing more than for you to be secure in a happy and fulfilling life. No more hiding, I present the hard (to deliver) truth: You may have noticed a tone change in my letters. Pages 1-4 (the first letter I sent) were, if I remember correctly, an admission of defeat: that it was I who lost myself, us, and you. I wanted, and still want, to assure you that you aren’t to blame, that you were so patient with me, that you put in such an inspiring amount of effort to try to fix me. It was one week after this that I began my suicide.  The next letter I wrote, Pages 5+6, attempted to reflect my (current) absolute commitment to you. I deployed memes and TikToks to remind both of us of happy moments we shared. I was unaware of how manipulative this seemed, as you could only logically assume I was still seeking other people. With every fiber of my being I don’t want to ever hurt you, and I’m helplessly sorry for playing both sides of the fence. ...

 9/23 To the extent that my letters or scattered thoughts explain why I acted the way I did, with betrayal or deception, know that my purpose is not justification but rationalization. I explain the “why” only insofar as to show how I am making efforts to realize “why” they happened. Only if I know why I acted in such a way can I take steps to never precipitate those conditions again. I’m trying to carve a better me for the future, and part of that means understanding how I react to stress, and how to react productively.  I’ve had a flurry of panic attacks since you texted. I can’t stop crying about hurting you, about losing you. I don’t know how much it hurts you, I know how much it hurts me, and I can only begin to fathom what you feel. Does it wrench your heart, does it thrash inside your head, does it claw your soul, does it cloud your thoughts, does it replace an urge to be happy, to take control over your destiny with a drive to kill yourself? Does it make suicide prefera...

 Roses can’t find a new stem A petal falls But still can grow ‘gain A thorn will prick To handle, it a teach them A season ends Dark come to descend ‘Fore spring begen  Nurture Peace Within