12 Feet Down

 Sapphire’s Soliloquies I can’t stop needing you, nor can I stop wanting you. I need to love. If there’s still a chance, let me know. I keep reading into all of your videos, imagining lyrics are about me, and it’s feeding into my narcissism. I shouldn’t be reading into messages and bending my neck to see something that isn’t there. I wanna know what kinda time you need, because honestly, I’m a very codependent person. I need intimacy. I need to feel close to someone. I need to express love, and I need to feel romantic love expressed towards me. I don’t want to keep building a pararomantic fantasy in my head if it’s just going to keep making me lonely and depressed. I know you’re okay with receiving money. If you can tell me, I wanna know if you’re okay receiving love, because I need it. Let me know how long you want me to wait, please. I don’t wanna move on, I just want you back… but I need a love reciprocated. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that. I’m sorry. “Do you have to let it l...

Let the darkness consume in my bed in my room cause There’s no home without you, Colors wash away past the fray and life turns to gray There’s no beauty without you, Keep your face on my phone, my desk, Still feel alone, I miss you and I wanna come home I miss you and I wanna go home 

 Dearest Beloved, I wish I could write more. I feel a little stressed and overwhelmed recently, and I am behind in everything-- my prayers, my school work, my personal goals. I was so appreciative that you let me send you a birthday gift. I wish we could talk more. For the Eid holiday, my coworker and I went to Dhaka and explored the capital for a few days. It was uncharacteristically quiet, betraying its usual depiction as a polluted, bustling metropole. While having dinner with him, our other coworker, and her sister and brother I felt the despair overwhelm me. Talking to them just enforced how much I miss you, how much they weren't you, and how alone I am. It didn't help that I am getting major creepy vibes from my coworker... I bet you would have loved to hear it once upon a time. I was fighting back tears and had to leave quickly without saying goodbye while they were ordering coffee. I'm reminded of a Kanye lyric: " I had to leave before they even cut the cake, W...